Inspector Gadget's Valentine

Our story begins in the lair of Dr. Claw. "Gadget has once again managed to thwart my evil plan in spite of his idiocy! I must think of something to crush him!" "I have a suggestion", said Claw's wife Roxanne "Nails" Retsnom. "It is Valentine's Day. How about we cook up a scheme to kill them all taking advantage of the hallmarks of Valentine's Day. Besides, the demise of Gadget is the only Valentine's present I want from you, Salvatore."

"Your wish is my command, Nails. I just wonder why you haven't been around lately." "The writer of this fic was a little worried I was cramping your style, but it's good he had the heart to bring me back at least for a Valentine's Day fic."

"I have devised the perfect scheme to eliminate Inspector Gadget. But I advise that we use the Chamber of Silence so that Chief Quimby isn't able to inform Gadget of our plot using one of those exploding messages", said the M.A.D. agent Orville Destruction. After they stepped in, Orville explained his plan. "Our first step is to free Evil Inspector Gadget and Artificial Amy from the Incarceration of Evil Inventions Unit."

"Have you taken leave of your senses, Orville", Dr. Claw screamed. "Evil Inspector Gadget is Bad Gadget Boy upgraded into an adult form, and we know what happened when my M.A.D. agents tried to recruit him to my Malevolent Agency of Destruction!" "We don't have to do anything to them at all, Dr. Claw. Evil Inspector Gadget will notice that Artificial Amy was originally made to seduce Gadget in his younger days. They will become a couple and the antagonistic android and the ghoulish gynoid will wreak havoc in Metro City."

In the Gadget House, everyone was preparing for Valentine's Day. "Christine's favorite song is Chip Taylor's Wild Thing", said Inspector Gadget. "I'd better start rehearsing. Go Go Gadget Guitar! Wild thing, you make my heart sing! You make everything groovy! Wild thing!"

"Penny, do you think you can watch after Gadget, Jr. and Annie III while I go out to buy a new dress", said Christine Gadget, who then cringed. "I don't like the way I said the last part of my sentence." "I'll comply, Auntie Gadget. I sent a Valentine to William. I know him well enough that he would be content with just that acknowledgement."

"Our creation Heinrich seems to be going along fine", said Digit. "Show your stuff, Heinrich!" Heinrich, a tall robot agent the Gadgetinis made walked in and said "Wires are red, transistors are blue, you love me and I love you. Tonight I am feeling very amorous. It's true, my love, you do look glamorous!" Digit chuckled nervously. "It looks like he still needs a few more bugs to work out."

Baby Donald Maxwell Gadget played with his newborn younger sister Annie III, named in honor of Gadget's sister and his mother. "Out came the sun that dried up all the rain, and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again!" Baby Annie giggled. "You're growing up pretty fast, Cousin Gadget", said Penny. "Would you like me to read you and your little sister a story." "Yes."

Fidget turned to Brain. "Hey, Uncle Brain. How come you don't have a significant other?" "It's very complicated, Fidget. I'm lucky my new collar can translate my barks and growls, otherwise nobody would understand me. As you all know, I am a rather sapient dog, no thanks to the accident that merged the mind of biologist Brian Finot with the mind and body of a yellow canine with a red nose. I have not hooked up with a female because I fear the consequences.

For instance, I have a human mind, and I worry that such interactions would be taboo. I also fear puppies being spawned out of wedlock, because I have never been neutered and Gadget refuses to have that done to me. Ergo, I have sentenced myself to a life of celibacy, so I don't have to be concerned about doing things I will regret."

"You poor thing. Would a robot mate suffice? They can't be impregnated, and I doubt anyone would be repulsed by a dog with a human brain romancing a sentient machine." "Yes, but G-9 and I don't swing that way!" "I'm not talking about that! I was surfing the Internet while you told me your reasons for chastity, and I came across an ad for robot dogs meant to keep doggie hormones at bay as an alternative to spaying and neutering. They also function for companionship."

"That sounds wonderful, Fidget. How soon can you get it here?" "I've already placed an order. It should arrive in exactly....twelve seconds ago!"

The deliveryman, who was really a M.A.D. agent snickered and phoned Dr. Claw. "Brain's new robot mate is just as he wishes it to be, but it is also secretly programmed to neutralize the mutt the instant he accepts her as his mate. Robo-Fifi will be the end of Gadget's pooch!"

Dr. Claw then turned over to the cloning lab. "I see the sample of my nephew's DNA has finished developing into a clone. I can't think of a good name, so I'll just refer to him by my real surname: Talon!" Talon emerged from the clone pod and coughed. "I am awaiting my instructions, dearest uncle. I am William if he didn't have a heart!" "Good. Your instructions are to target Gadget's meddlesome niece Penny. KILL HER!!"

Talon went to the Gadget House and ringed the doorbell. When Penny answered, he gave her a box of chocolates that turned out to be a bomb. Penny was fortunate to avoid it. "What's your problem? That exploding box of chocolates could have blown me to smithereens!" "That's what I'm counting on, Penny! You keep on thwarting my uncle's schemes by aiding your uncle!"

"I'm sorry, evil William clone, but I have to watch over my cousins." She then kicked Talon in the groin. Talon retreated to M.A.D. Headquarters and told Dr. Claw what happened. "You blithering incompetent! I'd rather have a disloyal nephew than a loyal nephew who can't kill a harmless teenage girl!" Talon was then shoved into a tube and frozen. "I will let you live for now. There may be a use for you yet in the near future!"

Brain decided to talk to Robo-Fifi. "You look pretty nice for a mechanical canine. What's your sign? Do you come here often?" Robo-Fifi sighed and said "Ho-hum. If you want to know me, boy, you should stop giving me pickup lines and start telling me about yourself." "Okay. What I have to say may come as a shock to you, but I wasn't always a dog. I was born...."

After Inspector Gadget had finished practicing "Wild Thing", he received a call on the Top Secret Gadget Phone. "Hello, Chief. Oh, I'll be right there!" Gadget raced to his neighbor's garage. "Sorry, Mr. Platt. Official police business!" Chief Quimby appeared in the garage and said "Here's your assignment, Gadget!"

"Dr. Claw has released Evil Inspector Gadget and Artificial Amy from the Incarceration of Evil Inventions Unit hoping that they would fall in love and team up to destroy you. This message will self-destruct." As usual, Gadget threw the message back at Quimby and went off on his case. "Go Go Gadget Copter!"

Gadget found Evil Inspector Gadget and Artificial Amy walking through Metro City's streets. They were not causing any harm, but people were screaming anyway. Gadget landed in front of them and said "Halt, Evil Me. You and Artificial Amy are under arrest for disturbing the peace and escaping from incarceration! Go Go Gadget Handcuffs!"

"There's no need for that, my half-organic brother", said Evil Inspector Gadget. "After the last time you defeated me, I was no longer tortured by being offline. I was somehow able to enter a dreamlike state that was serene and soothing. Thanks to you, Amy and I have turned a new leaf. From now on, my name is Cyber-Gadget. Artificial Amy and I will even leave the planet if it is necessary, since people seem to still fear us."

"I am very proud of you, my robotic doppelganger", said Gadget. "Farewell." Dr. Claw was furious that Gadget survived. M.A.D. Cat gave a look. "You're right, my pet. We haven't seen how Operation: Put to Sleep went." Dr. Claw saw a monitor and was upset to see Brain playing tennis with Robo-Fifi. "Blast it! I have once again failed to eliminate Gadget! I'm too angry to even bother scheming a last minute plot to attack his wife! I'll get them next time!"

Christine returned home with her new dress. One look at it and Gadget said "Wowsers! Well, it's time I gave you my present, Christine."

WILD THING

Wild thing, you make my heart sing

You make everything groovy, wild thing

Wild thing, I know I love you

I don't need to know for sure

Come on, hold me tight, I love you

Wild thing, you make my heart sing

You make everything groovy, wild thing

(Instrumental)

Wild thing, I know you move me

I don't need to know for sure

So come on and hold me tight, you move me

Wild thing, you make my heart sing

You make everything groovy, wild thing

Oh, come on, babe, come on, wild thing

Check it, check it, wild thing

The End